


There's Something About Mary

by justabi



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Buddies, Gift Fic, Hand Jobs, Multi, Strippers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-09-13
Updated: 2005-09-13
Packaged: 2017-10-02 08:52:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justabi/pseuds/justabi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Count on Rodney to remain focused on the important scientific reasons for going to the Pegasus version of Sodom and Gomorrah.</p>
            </blockquote>





	There's Something About Mary

**Author's Note:**

> It's,uh, shameful Wraith stripper fic. Written for seperis, whose came up with Wraith strippers in the first place. Thank you to the hoard of betas and audiencers (diluvian, fashes, icalynn, lemonbella, and logovo) who ~~made me feel even *more* ashamed than I already did~~ held my hand and whipped this story into shape.

“Bordeel is a planet known throughout the galaxy as a place of hedonism and debauchery. They cater to the most exotic and depraved desires of men.” Teyla’s eyes flared. “My people, as well as the people of many worlds, have avoided that planet for as long as we can remember.” She stood in a defensive posture John recognized from sparring, the one she took right before she kicked his ass. John flashed her his most flirtatious smile, but it did little to cool her demeanor, so he looked back at Dr. Weir.

“Well, I’m not saying we should send the boys there for a little R&amp;R.”

Teyla gave John a look that was as close to rolling her eyes as she ever got, dismissing him to refocus her attention on Elizabeth. “Dr. Weir, I do not think it is wise to send even a small team to this world. It is said that those who visit there are changed. Their appetites are forever altered and they can no longer be satisfied by the pleasures of other worlds.”

John watched as Elizabeth clasped her hands behind her back, her lips pinched tightly together. The deep red command shirt accentuated her pert little breasts, and maybe Teyla had a point if even the possibility of visiting a brothel planet had him thinking about that, but…

“We aren’t going there for booze and hookers, Elizabeth.” Even if it had been a while, hookers weren’t his style. Although, anything alcoholic that didn’t come out of that still of Zelenka’s would be a commodity worth the trip; the stuff tasted like turpentine, only nastier.

“They have a female Wraith. Even before Carson’s serum turned Ellia into a bug, she couldn’t give us the whole picture.” Count on Rodney to remain focused on the important scientific reasons for going to the Pegasus version of Sodom and Gomorrah. Of course, that might be different if they were visiting Planet Starbucks. That’d turn him into a gibbering idiot. McKay would say the laws of physics were inconsequential and offer to take up animal husbandry if he thought it would get him an unlimited supply of caffeine.

“We need a tissue sample from a mature adult female to get a complete picture of their genome.” Rodney continued to bludgeon Elizabeth with all the perfectly rational, serious reasons for the mission, while flapping his arms in a way that never failed to make John smile. “In all the times we have faced the Wraith we’ve only ever encountered the one mature female and there was obviously no time to stop and get a sample from her. And, to find one that’s, by all accounts, been in captivity for over a decade in a pretechnological setting… the things we could learn about containment alone would be invaluable.”

“I trust that if I send you and your team along with Dr. Beckett, I will not have to worry about you…” Elizabeth raised one eyebrow sternly in John’s direction, “indulging in any of the enticements Bordeel has to offer?”

“I knew you’d say yes!” John practically bounced on his feet, grinning so hard his face hurt. He’d put Lorne in charge of taking orders for hooch from the men. And women. Or maybe it would be more efficient to just fill the Jumper with as much as it could take and ration it out for good behavior. Wouldn’t want to introduce too much contraband at one time or all hell would break loose, especially if what Teyla said about that planet were true. He’d have to test it before he brought it back, just to be sure.

Elizabeth jarred him out of his plans with a cough. “Do I have your word, Colonel?”

“Sure. I mean, do you really see Beckett and McKay cutting loose in an alien brothel?”

“Yes.” Rodney crossed his arms over his chest and smirked at John. “That’s really more your area, Kirk.”

“Teyla,” Elizabeth turned smartly to face the other woman, clearly implying that Teyla had the only cool head in the bunch, “you have permission to stun them and drag them back to the Jumper if things get out of hand.”

“Hey, now!” John piped in. They’d be in the infirmary for a week if Teyla decided she needed to kick their asses for their own good. And from the panicked look on McKay’s face, he was thinking the same thing.

“It will be as you say, Dr. Weir.”

* * *

“Absolutely bloody not!” Dr. Beckett backed into the corner of the infirmary with his datapad clutched to his chest, nearly tripping over irreplaceable equipment in the process. “You want me to go to a house of ill repute to visit with a Wraith prostitute?! My poor mother would have a stroke. I’ll not do it.”

“Don’t be such a prude, Carson.” Rodney said, conveniently forgetting his own somewhat puritanical reaction to the news that they’d be going to an alien red light district. “We’re not asking you to sample her wares. We just need you to come and take the tissue sample. You’re the one who said you needed it in the first place.”

“I don’t need anything so badly as to shame my sainted mother in such a way.”

“According to our research, she’s a stripper,” John pointed out helpfully.

“How dare you talk about my mother!?” John hadn’t thought it was possible for a grown man to shriek that way, besides Rodney of course.

“Not your mother, you idiot, the Wraith,” Rodney snapped.

“Go yourselves, if you’re so keen to see this Wraith stripper then. Rodney is perfectly capable of taking a simple tissue sample. I’ll not sully myself with the likes of that.”

“Car-son.” No one could whine like Rodney. “I don’t have time to waste on your clearly defective voodoo Wraith cure. It’s far more important to find out how they are keeping her contained. We would never have been able to keep a Wraith in the containment cell here without the force field. But from what we know about Bordeel, they don’t have any advanced technology. They may have something we can _actually_ use against the Wraith.”

“Out!” The way Beckett shooed Rodney toward the infirmary door brought to mind an image of the man in his mother’s apron chasing Rodney out of the kitchen with a wooden spoon, which made John snort with laughter. “Both of you! And I don’t want to hear a word of how you get the tissue sample.”

* * *

“So, this is the Planet o’ Sin. Not much to look at, is it?” John looked around. The whole place was shabby and brown, characterized by run down buildings and mud. Women and boys hung out of the upper windows and leaned on the posts out front, their practically non-existent clothing clinging to their bodies in the sweltering heat. Criers called out the specialties of the house, surprising John with their vulgarity and turning Rodney’s entire head so red he was practically purple. Teyla and Ronon seemed to be taking it all in stride, but even they looked more tense than usual.

Elizabeth had vetoed the use of the Jumper for this mission, no doubt trying to limit the amount of non-regulation substances that could make it back with them. A good call, he was forced to admit, since they were met by an assortment of entrepreneurs peddling everything imaginable and the local contingent of pick pockets and shady characters. Even if they’d cloaked it, the Jumper wouldn’t have been safe.

“What were you expecting, Colonel, neon lights and go-go girls?” Despite Rodney’s bravado, he was clearly uncomfortable. Every time a local came within five feet of him on the street McKay flinched and clutched his P90 to his chest, eyes wide like saucers.

“I feel it is my duty to warn you once again of the dangers of this planet.” Teyla had given them this speech in the briefing room and the Gateroom, as well. “Do not eat or drink anything you have not brought with you. Do not speak to the women, or for that matter the men. Let me speak to the locals. I will find the establishment that houses the female Wraith.”

“I don’t know, Teyla,” John drawled, unable to resist the temptation, when else did he have such a prime opportunity to tease Rodney about his sex life? “I think it might do McKay some good to get laid while we’re here. When is he going to have another opportunity like this?”

“Hey!” Rodney squawked. “I resent the implication that I’d have to pay for sex. I’ll have you know I’ve had plenty of sex since we came to Atlantis.”

“Sure, Rodney.” John infused his voice with as much sarcasm as he could muster. “You’re a stud.”

“I had sex last week!” And though Rodney sounded shrill and defensive, he didn’t sound like he was lying.

John nearly demanded the name of this alleged conquest, but that would imply an un-cool degree of interest in the other man’s sex life. “Too much information, McKay.”

“It is not worthy of you to so expose your personal relations, Dr. McKay. You have no need to defend your manhood. It is well known among the women of Atlantis that you are strong and virile. You will have no trouble finding a mate when you are ready.”

“Thank you, Teyla.” Rodney puffed himself up while John rolled his eyes. “I am glad to know that my manly charms are properly appreciated by such clearly tasteful and discerning people.”

* * *

“She have a name?” John nodded his head over his shoulder at the stage.

The barkeep eyed John and Rodney suspiciously and grumbled something about perverts. The large earthenware mugs full of the local brew spilled froth onto the counter as they thunked down in front of John. John clinked several of largest little metal tokens in his hands, dropping a few of the smaller ones onto the bar where Teyla had left them. She had traded for the currency and admonished them to behave while she went to go and arrange a meeting with the proprietor. She seemed reluctant to leave them alone, but John had pointed out that he and Rodney were unlikely to get into trouble in the time she would be gone and that Ronon’s intimidating negotiating technique would be more useful to her.

“I guess we’ll go with Mary, then.” John handed a tankard to McKay, giving him a silent admonition with his eyes not to actually drink it. Rodney just snatched it with one hand and waved him off with the other.

“What? You have some kind of Madonna-whore thing going on? Catholic trauma, perhaps? Because if you were an altar boy, I don’t want to hear about it.”

The bar where the Wraith performed was located in the seediest area of Bordeel, but clearly catered to a class of clientele willing to pay for its unique attraction. There were several sections, according to how much a person was willing to pay for seating in what had to be the only _high class_ alien kink club on this crappy little planet. The drinks only bought them into the cheap seats and Rodney contorted his face in displeasure almost immediately as they sat down. The sturdy chairs were made of hard wood obviously designed specifically to make a man want to stand up every few minutes, the better to get you back to the bar for anther round, John assumed.

“This is insane! I sustained permanent damage to my back heroically buying Atlantis precious time fixing a satellite that had been broken for ten thousand years. I have a life of pain to look forward to if I don’t die in one of a hundred horrifying ways. I should not have to sit in a chair designed by a sadistic mental patient with scoliosis!”

John raised his eyebrow.

“What?! I’m in pain here. My back is killing me and there are perfectly good seats available right up there in the front where I can get a good look at the cage from the comfort of an ergonomically sound, deep-backed, leather arm chair. So be a good little soldier and go clink your big, shiny coins into the hands of that large man letting people up there.”

“McKay, I’m not wasting all our money on twenty minutes in a BarcaLounger.”

“Look, Colonel,” Rodney said in his oh-so-endearing let-me-explain-this-to-you-in-little-words voice. “Those little bits of junk metal aren’t going to be worth anything once we leave and it’s not like we need singles for the strippers or another round of whatever this beer like substance is.”

“Not a cheap date kind of girl, are you, Rodney?” John cocked his head wryly. “Alright, Princess, but if I spring for the luxury seats, I’m going to want you to put out at the end of the night.”

“I’m oddly flattered.” Rodney grinned smugly. “Buy me dinner and we’ll talk.”

It was almost pitch black except for the stage and Rodney tripped on the way up to their newly acquired front row seats. The platform was illuminated with what appeared to be phosphorescent crystals embedded in the ceiling like a skylight casting a cool blue light over her writhing body. The cage appeared to have no hinges, only solid soldering at the corners leaving no visible means to release the occupant.

“How do you suppose they get her in and out of that cage?” John slid down into one of the indecently large, firm chairs in front of the stage. Rodney moaned like he was eating the last slice of chocolate cake as he sank back into his own and stroked the butter soft leather of the arm. John figured it was worth the little sack of tokens.

“Maybe they just leave her in there. I’m more interested in what the bars are made of and what’s making those crystals glow. They must be directly exposed to the sun during the day through the roof.” Rodney geeking out in a strip club brought a little smile to John’s face. “Either that or they have a deceptively larger grasp of technology and a power source I’m not picking up.”

The Wraith’s red hair hung almost down to her waist, covering her nipples, but did little to hide the contours of her breasts. The strange music sounded like the Middle Eastern rhythms that John had soaked in during his time in Saudi Arabia and then Afghanistan. Mary swayed her hips in time with the beat in a mesmerizing, serpentine figure eight. Fingers that could suck the life out of a man slowly dragged down the center of her chest, dipped down below her ribs and swirled around her naval, her pale skin practically glowing in the eerie light. With a quick flick of her wrist, the catch of her skirt released and the iridescent material pooled at her feet leaving her entirely nude. For a moment she was the most enticing, desirable thing John had ever seen and he wanted nothing more than to go to her, but then she smiled, baring her teeth and snapped him back into reality.

“You ever been to a place like this, McKay?” It didn’t look like he had. Rodney was sweating, all big eyes and uneven breath, sitting awkwardly in the deep chair like he was thinking about getting up.

“You mean an alien strip club showcasing a monster who wants to suck the life from my chest with her hands? No.” At any other time those words might have sounded sarcastic, but the words came out just a little too breathy for John’s peace of mind. He wished it wasn’t quite so dark so that he could see more of Rodney’s face.

“I mean a…” strip joint, den of iniquity, titty bar, “Gentleman’s club.”

Rodney snorted. “You call this a Gentleman’s club?”

That was a little more reassuring, but not enough to put John fully at ease.

A burly man in a daze who had wandered up to the stage, eyes locked with Mary’s, dropped a handful of the biggest tokens into the hands of the woman Teyla had gone off with to arrange some quality time with Mary. The woman took his money and stepped back as the man stepped up to the cage. Mary rubbed herself against the bars seductively and slipped her arms out to unlace the guy’s shirt and stroke her fingers through the thick hair on his chest. Rodney jumped up to stop what was about to happen, but John grabbed his wrist and yanked him back down into his seat ruthlessly.

“Ow! What are you doing? We have to stop this.” Rodney pried John’s fingers off his wrist and rubbed it gingerly. “And did I mention OW?”

“Shut up, Rodney. And sit still, would you. We aren’t here to save people from themselves.” At that moment Mary dug her claws in and the man grabbed the bars, shuddered and moaned loud enough to be heard over the music.

Making eye contact with Mary was a mistake.

Visions, shadows sent by the Wraith undulated over John’s lap like his dirtier fantasies since leaving Earth. God, it had been too, too long. The shadow glowed and wrapped itself around him the way Chaya had, but this was nothing like that. John shook it off in time to hear Rodney whimper and preemptively clamped his hand over Rodney’s forearm to keep him in his seat.

The woman who took the money blew into something around her neck, which might have been a whistle, but if it was John couldn’t hear it. Then Mary did something that surprised him: She pulled her hand away with the look of a junkie who just got a fix.

“They’re drugging her,” Rodney whispered.

“It’s gotta be in the drinks. Good thing we didn’t drink any.” Rodney was suspiciously silent. John tightened his grip. “Right, McKay?”

“I was thirsty.”

“How many times? How many times did Teyla warn us not to drink anything we didn’t bring with us?”

“I drank all my water while you dragged me all over town in the heat looking for this place. We’ve been here forever. I could pass out from dehydration.”

“Christ!” John snatched Rodney’s half-filled tankard from the table between them. “I can’t believe you!”

“I didn’t drink all of it,” Rodney whined half-heartedly, as another man made his way to the stage. “I still have enough left to take a sample back for Carson to analyze.”

What was he supposed to say to that? Of all the stupid, idiotic… Fuck, he’d lost Rodney’s attention again. McKay was sweating and shaking next to him as Mary relieved the new guy of his shirt. John couldn’t tell if it was from fear or arousal, but either way it was bad and Rodney was looking right at Mary’s eyes. Had he been staring at Mary’s tits, John wouldn’t have been nearly as concerned.

“McKay,” John barked as he smacked Rodney upside the head, which didn’t even get an ‘ouch’ out of him. “McKay, snap out of it.”

Best case scenario, Rodney would be plagued by debilitating nightmares for the rest of his life if he let himself get off on watching a Wraith feed. Worst case, he’d throw wood in the middle of a fight and lose critical time and concentration. Naming the things was one thing, allowing them to play with your head was another altogether. It was a weakness none of them could afford.

Another strangled whimper had John up and out of his seat. He loomed over his friend and snapped his fingers to no avail. Rodney had planted his feet in front of each of the arms of the chair, so when John leaned down to yell, he had to stand between Rodney’s legs, spreading them just a little wider. Rodney moaned low and wanton as John’s thigh brushed against something hot and hard in the dark that he didn’t really want to think about.

“Rodney!” John slapped him. “It’s not real, Rodney. Whatever it is you’re seeing it isn’t real.” John planted his hands on the back of the chair on either side of Rodney’s head. Rodney just gripped the arms of the chair harder, knuckles already white with the strain. “God, Rodney, look at me.”

And then, for once, Rodney obeyed. John’s breath caught as Rodney’s lust black eyes met his and stared, not unseeing, but right into John. They held each other’s gaze for a moment and then John slid his thigh in further, pressing hard against that heat and planted his knee in the leather of the chair a hair’s breadth away from Rodney’s erection. Rodney gasped and bucked his hips against him. John stayed perfectly still, looking him right in eyes as Rodney rubbed himself off on John’s leg right there in the middle of an alien strip club. Rodney came with a full body jerk, hands still clutching the arms of the chair, and his eyes fell shut.

By the time they were open again, John was back in his own chair smiling lazily up at Teyla who frowned and hustled them out the door while Ronon loomed two steps behind her.

* * *

As it turned out, Teyla was unable to arrange for them to examine Mary until the next day. They would have to come back in the morning to collect specimens and let Rodney assuage his curiosity as to how they kept her contained and docile. Teyla was only able to purchase one room for the night with what coin they had left after paying the fee to spend an hour alone with the Wraith stripper and more importantly, at least to Rodney, her cage.

The room only had two beds, which was kind of a predicament, because John couldn’t just pawn Rodney off on Teyla. He liked Teyla. And Ronon would give Rodney internal bleeding the first time he elbowed Ronon in the night. John sighed heavily from the far corner as he watched the others tuck into bed. They had just silently assumed that Ronon would be bunking with Teyla, and that meant he was stuck in a bed with Rodney. Who had rubbed himself off on John’s thigh not two hours earlier.

All night. In the same bed.

Rodney dropped off to sleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, still in his uniform, most likely in deference to the mess John knew was in his pants. This had to be part of some diabolical plan on Rodney’s part to drive John completely batshit insane. Because Rodney had gotten off, and John, well, John had not. And he needed to. Soon. Especially, John thought as he looked across at the other bed in the dark, since apparently neither Athosian nor Citidan social mores prohibited having sex in the room with other people.

Fuck.

Everyone else got to come tonight, so why shouldn’t he? He’d do it in the bathroom, but they didn’t have one and he wasn’t about to stand in the corner watching his teammates get it on while he jerked off like a pervert. The sound of Rodney’s deep mouth breathing was the most melodious and perfect thing he’d ever heard. Better than the crappy ass music they played while Mary put the whammy on Rodney and every other man in the joint. Better than the porn track of Teyla riding Ronon like she had lost her mind, Ronon’s low groans and grunts and fucking growls in counterpoint. Better than the heart stopping sound of the zipper coming down on his pants that seemed to echo in the tiny room. So he crawled into the bed and rolled onto his side so his back was to Rodney and the in house skin flick, curled in on himself with his dick out and just lay there, untouched and throbbing on the sheets.

He waited what seemed like forever; long enough to be sure he wouldn’t be interrupted, then wrapped his hand around his cock. The first touch was sweet relief, the drag of his fist up and down his cock as slow as he could stand so as not to shake the bed and wake up Sleeping Beauty. And really, that was an image of Rodney John didn’t need in his head right then.

Too late. Behind his eyes shut tight, all John could see were Rodney’s eyes, dilated almost black as he ground his dick into John’s thigh, that needy-hungry-desperate look as Rodney came. God, this could potentially fuck him up as much as Wraith strippers and next time he was so listening to Teyla. But right in that moment he just didn’t care if he had to pay for it later, he needed to come. He stuffed a fist in his mouth and bit hard while he stroked himself hard and fast with the other.

“Oh, god, please,” Rodney groaned. The sound of his voice startled John and he yelped as one of Rodney’s big hands rolled him over onto his back. “Please let me…”

And then Rodney was batting John’s hands away and his mouth was closing over John’s dick. John was gasping, gripping the sheets and arching his back. He tried so hard to be polite and not thrust himself all the way down Rodney’s throat, but it he couldn’t quite make himself. Rodney was drooling and moaning around John’s dick like it was the last of the coffee-flavored ice cream and John wanted that sound on tape so he could play it back every fucking night for the rest of his goddamned life. And then John was coming and everything else faded away.

A few seconds later he realized the bed was still shaking and John opened his eyes to see Rodney up on his knees, jacking himself off like there was no tomorrow. John didn’t do a damn thing but watch and when Rodney came on his belly, John dipped his finger in the little puddle and tasted it. At which point Rodney collapsed on top of him. John pulled him down for a sloppy kiss, then rolled over and went to sleep.

* * *

“It’s the crystals!” Rodney practically crowed in the debriefing. “Well, the drug addiction might have something to do with it, too, but the crystals put out a sympathetic field to the frequency the Wraith communicate on.”

“Yes, yes, of course!” Zelenka chimed in. “Even if we can’t find more of these crystals, this opens up whole new avenues for fighting the Wraith.” And then the geeks were huddled together, flailing their arms and arguing their way down the hall away from the conference room.

“Well, Colonel, it seems that your trip was worthwhile after all. Dr. Beckett has his tissue samples and Rodney certainly seems satisfied with the data he brought back.” Elizabeth raised one eyebrow as she looked at John, who missed it watching Rodney’s ass disappear down the hall. “I trust none of you sustained any permanent damage from your visit.”

A quirky little smile played on John’s lips. Bordeel had nothing on the pleasures of Atlantis. “I think we’ll be alright.”


End file.
